Everyday Kindness

‍I’ve been thinking a lot about kindness lately. In part because we recently lost Dolly Parton, who by all accounts was one of the most generous and kind people in public life. But also because of a passing incident that occurred last week at a precursor event to the U.S. Open Tennis Championships, when Roger Federer played a couple of exhibition matches to kick off the celebrations surrounding his induction into the Tennis Hall of Fame.

As a Federer superfan, I naturally tuned in to watch the event, hyperbolically named “Roger Federer: An Icon Returns to New York.” After the singles contest during which Federer beat Andy Roddick (another tennis great), the television commentator started the post-match interview by asking Federer about a remark Roddick apparently made during the changeover to the effect that it felt like old times (when Federer often beat him). Ever gracious, Federer refused to join the interviewer in mocking Roddick even if he’d mocked himself. Instead, Federer noted the question was “not nice” and emphasized how tough it had always been to play Roddick.

Of course, it’s one thing to stand up for someone you like and respect when they’re being ridiculed in front of a large crowd that adores you. It’s another to extend kindness to someone acting badly, perhaps someone you don’t particularly like, especially when there’s little personal benefit to be gained.

There’s an older woman in my neighborhood who goes to the same hair salon and stylist as I do. For a very long time, we’ve followed the same schedule, both often booking appointments on Wednesdays when our hairdresser is working but the salon is not busy. I suspect the Older Lady goes every Wednesday while I only go every six weeks or so. Unfortunately for me, though, no matter what time I choose, the Older Lady ALWAYS seems to be there when I am. Tiny, bossy, and loud, she dominates the entire room with her unsolicited commentary and endless complaints.

Despite crossing paths for at least a decade now, the Older Lady and I have never spoken directly, a lack of interaction I’ve attributed to her dislikeable temperament and general unfriendliness. But I haven’t been able to miss her gradual aging over time, just as I’m sure she hasn’t been able to miss mine. The last several years, she’s had to use a cane.

‍For the most part, I ignore the Older Lady as much as possible. One time, though, she was being particularly disagreeable, scolding our hairdresser—let’s call her Betty—for some perceived slight or misstep. (Making her wait a minute too long for something? Not answering her quickly enough while tending to another customer?) Although I couldn’t stand how rudely the Older Lady was speaking to Betty, I got called to have my color washed out before I could even consider saying something, and the Older Lady was gone by the time I got back. Not wanting to ignore what had happened, I asked Betty if she was ok. She brushed me off with a smile. When I persisted and told her that she didn’t have to put up with being treated poorly, Betty waved me off again and said something like: “She’s all alone.” Catching Betty’s eye in the mirror, I couldn’t help but raise my eyebrows—enduring an unwarranted public berating seemed like a lot of self-sacrifice to humor a lonely old woman. Then Betty patted my shoulder and told me not to worry, she didn’t let the Older Lady go too far.

Once or twice since then, I have in fact seen Betty stand her ground when the Older Lady’s behavior gets too extreme. Other than that, however, Betty gives her a lot of leeway to vent. Maybe because she knows the Older Lady has a backstory. Maybe because she knows the Older Lady will eventually settle down. More likely because Betty is a fundamentally kind person, and she knows the Older Lady has few other people who’ll grant her that grace.

I’d hoped to wind down this piece with some little-known quote about kindness or even a short song lyric that would be inspirational, not preachy or saccharine. As it turns out, Spotify has a bunch of playlists with the word “kindness” in the title, including “Kindness is free” (with and without an exclamation point) and “TREAT PEOPLE WITH KINDNESS!” (a bit of a paradox given the scolding use of all caps). Nothing seemed exactly right though. Most of us don’t have the platform or presence of mind to be a Roger Federer, and almost no one has the resources or huge heart of Dolly Parton. The best we can probably hope for is to be a little more like Betty. To choose the path of patience and decency even when faced with the difficult people in our lives. Perhaps especially when faced with the difficult people in our lives. After all, according to one playlist at least, “kindness is the new punkrock.” And potentially good for your health too.