The Benefits of Being Invisible

A lot has been written about how women often start to feel invisible as they age and their physical attractiveness diminishes. The phenomenon has even been labeled a “syndrome” although, as with anything these days, there’s been pushback from women who refuse to be told they’re disappearing. I myself have found the process of . . . let’s say fading . . . from the male gaze has been freeing in a lot of ways, not the least of which has been less need to worry about random harassment by strange men on the street.

Which is what made a recent incident at a rest stop along the Garden State Parkway such a surprising, unwelcome reminder of what attracting the male gaze can mean.

I’d stopped to use the bathroom at my usual place and, as is my normal practice, I headed directly for the ladies’ room, eager to get back on the road. While I never hang out alone at highway service plazas, this time I didn’t have my guard completely up; it was 11 in the morning, after all, and plenty of “normal looking” people were around. Besides, I’m old now—the kind of guys I’d have worried about in the past don’t even notice me anymore.

As it turns out, though, age is no guarantee of invisibility, and it’s not just “those guys” you need to worry about.

About two years ago, a debate erupted on social media when women were asked whether they’d rather be alone in the woods with a strange man or a bear. In a sad commentary on the violence of our society, when responding to the endless variations of that fundamental question—man or bear—most women chose the bear, if only because they knew what dangers a wild bear posed, and they couldn’t say the same about a strange man. You don’t have to be alone or even in the isolated woods for a strange man to become a problem.

My problematic man was an old guy with a gray handlebar mustache sitting at a table with coffee and a donut. I made the mistake of looking at him as I passed by. Not even that. A more accurate description would be that I inadvertently caught his eye as I scanned the area looking for the signs for the restrooms. Apparently, a single passing glance was enough to trigger Mustache Man’s inner creep, and when I exited the bathroom minutes later, he was standing next to the entrance door where he’d seen me come in, staring at me from across the room, and clearly waiting for me as I began to register what was happening.

‍(For the record, I’m aware there was no “mistake,” but like most women, after the danger had passed, I couldn’t help but examine my own conduct, looking for the moment that had left me exposed, as if I could somehow avoid a similar mistake in the future, as if anything would justify some strange man’s unwanted aggression.)

Having been down this road before with other predators, I knew better than to make eye contact with Mustache Man again. At the same time (again like so many other women), I began to doubt my instincts. Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe he wasn’t looking at me. Maybe he wasn’t waiting for me.

Then Mustache Man turned to follow right behind me as I went out the door.

Let me say right now that I NEVER would have kept walking if I didn’t know something Mustache Man didn’t: my fit, protective, 6’9” husband was waiting for me in the car. So, I wasn’t an easy target and if Mustache Man had continued following me, I doubt the experience would have ended the way he was expecting. As it turned out, we never got to that point. A friendly couple was standing right by the entrance as I walked out and the slight commotion over holding the door/getting past them was enough to dissuade Mustache Man from going any further. But I keep wondering what I would have done if I had in fact been alone. Or if I’d been less savvy or less aware and hadn’t noticed him lurking. It probably would have been fine. I could have killed time at the little convenience store or asked someone for help or told him to buzz off loudly enough in front of other people to get him to leave. Endless possibilities race through your mind when you become some man’s target. The problem is not finding options; the problem is not knowing which option will actually keep you safe.

Thankfully, it’s been a long time since I’ve been in this type of situation, but it turns out some things never change: the fear is instant, the time to act is short, and the self-doubt can be paralyzing. Women choose the bear for many reasons. Among them, no one questions whether a bear is a threat, not even you. Which allows you to focus on the most important thing: getting away.